Leashing the Cosmopolitans

OCA Writer John Rhoades captures students' frustrations at the new third semester study away policy.

Please note the below article is a satirical piece. For details of the third semester study away policy, see here.

The administration of NYU Shanghai is pleased to announce that after this week students will be able to leave the premises of the school on leashed walkabouts with their RAs. The new program called, ‘Do You Have To Go Out? Like, Do You Really Have To Go Out? Can’t You Hold It?’ was instituted after many students peed on the floor in front of the AB guard desk while staring intently at the window.

The policy will allow RAs to walk students around the block to the fenced park where the students can run around and play fetch while the RAs sit on the bench and check their Instas. After concerns were raised about the cost of the leashes it was roundly decided that there would be a 10% increase to tuition to cover them. President Hamilton assured everyone it’s a smaller increase than the 12% they had last year to pay for the feeding troughs in B1.

Provost Smelma Ohnfurts explained the rationale for this new measure. “Unfortunately, we’ve had allegations of incurring seasonal-affected disorder in students. Rather than improving the Health and Wellness system to deal with these issues, a recent study showed that students only need 10 minutes in the sun a week to recover.”

Dean of Students Richard Wankersby was pleased with the ingenuity the administration has employed in maintaining the strong community at the school. “People keep telling us that if we just worked on providing actual public spaces and developing school spirit we could make a good community, but we disagree,” Wankersby said. “Look at how successful the entirely closed campus has been! Just last week I heard that the Quiz Bowl gang took home the Gold Medal Squeaky Toy for having at least five nationalities in their gang. That’s what’s it’s all about. Countable ethnicities, cosmopolitan buzzwords, and um High Globalism.”

This change in the administration’s position on an entirely closed campus is seen by many to be entirely revolutionary. Freshman Patty Wagan was excited about the new opportunities this might provide her, “I’ve always wondered what a tree looks like, and squirrels! Oh my gosh, we’ll be able to network with squirrels! Maybe I’ll even get an internship at a fire hydrant.”

Others were worried about the effect such freedom might have on the students. Director of Student Immobility Fu LuoXi had this to say, “We’ve been working really hard over the past years to improve the community of this school. First we got rid of that silly third semester, then we realized all study away opportunities were bad, and finally we understood that if the students just stayed inside year round the community would be at its strongest. We used movies and shows such as Orange is the New Black, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and The Shawshank Redemption to help us make our decision. I mean the communities in those programs were insanely awesome, I’d live in them if I could. I just feel that this leash policy is moving in the entirely wrong direction.”

Student Immobility are not the only opponents to the new measure. Head of RAs Brun Knosin emailed us saying, “All those provosts told us that they really wanted these students, that they’d take care of them, feed them and walk them, and we said, ‘yeah okay sure you can get some students.’ Well, who is it walking them? Who is it filling the feeding troughs? Huh? It’s us. We totally should have seen this coming. But, I suppose that’s what you get for believing what the NYUSH recruiters told you was going to be a guaranteed experience.”

This article was written by John Rhoades. Please send an email to managing@oncenturyavenue.com to get in touch.
Photo Credit: Maya Williams

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