As the year of the monkey begun, some of the more astrological among us started to consider their place in this universe. Others, such as this reporter, were simply surprised to learn that the universe considered people to be rats.

Goat and Sophomore Omer Cohen provided the only actual piece of factual information in this entire article when he said, “I know many want their child to be a monkey because 猴子(houzi, monkey) and 侯 (hou, high official) sound the same and one is like authority, so the kid will be successful.” This claim is backed up by an article in Bloomberg Business that says, “Those born in the year of the monkey are said to be crafty, clever and charming. That’s spurred some couples in China to delay parenthood until the less-auspicious sheep year ends.”

George Washington University Junior Chase Tecimer reflected on his discovery that he is a pig, “Ahh dreams do come true!” Yet he contemplated this more deeply once discovering that his mortal enemies were monkeys and snakes: “Snakes are complex but I like them for the most part. They can cause some pain, though.”

Freshman and fellow pig Maike Prewett also considered the realization that 2016 would see a marked increase of the pigs’ mortal enemy – the monkey, “I haven’t really thought about it but I guess I’m pretty good at dealing with mortal enemies.” Tecimer was equally optimistic, “The propagation of my worst enemies might be a good thing because it will add some competitiveness to my life and will likely result in my own propagation as well!”

After canvassing my own parents for this article it was discovered that I was conceived by the matching of a dog and a rooster. Interestingly enough dogs and roosters are notoriously bad matches. The Chinese Zodiac Compatibility page of the website China Highlights notes that the relationship between roosters and rats is notoriously fraught with issues. A statement that says more about our family dynamics than any therapy session ever could.

“I think the cow was better,” concluded freshman, and noted rat, Yiyang Sun when comparing past relationships with both rats and cows. His findings are substantiated by the distinguished website, Chinese Astrology. Though it should also be noted that all signs suggest he needs to find a dragon.

IMA Academic Fellow Kyle Greenberg was noted as saying, “My sister is a pig.” It is believed that this was in relation to her zodiac sign, but such extrapolations are beyond the purpose of this article.


This article was written by John Rhoades. Please send an email to managing@oncenturyavenue.com to get in touch.
Photo Credit: Arshaun Darabnia

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