On Century Avenue is proud to bring you coverage from the launching of the starship N.Y.U.M. headed to the New York University Mars portal campus in the year 2040. Due to government censorship issues, we were not able to broadcast the interview live but were able to send back recorded copy through the temporal vortex to you in 2015. The opinions expressed within do not reflect those of On Century Avenue or any of its affiliated partners.
Jeffrey Lehman Clone #7: Mars — the final frontier of higher academia. These are the voyages of the star school NYUM. Its four-year mission: to explore strange new majors; to seek out new tax breaks and new tuition hikes; to boldly go where no university has gone before. Thank you all for gathering here today for the unveiling of the newest addition to the NYU Interstellar Network: New York University Mars. We are incredibly excited for students to start their applications and to officially open our space hatch to the galaxy. This intrepid campus will be one of the grandest institutions in the solar system. We have brought students from all over, and half the class body will be native denizens from Mars! While they may only be mere single-celled organisms at orientation, it is the general opinion of the board and president that by graduation they will have distinguished themselves as multi-celled organisms capable of going forth and turning Mars into the shining example of cosmopolitan dystopia that we all know it can be. Without further ado, we would like to introduce the President of the NYU Interstellar Network: Animatron John Sexton.
Animatron John Sexton: In the year 2015, those fine men down at NASA found water on this god forsaken rock, and on that day I looked up at the heavenly stars above and thought, “Charlie would put a school on that planet.” So that’s exactly what I did. Now I may have passed away a couple years ago while engaging in a fierce yodeling battle with some narwhals, but in the capable hands of our best NYU researchers I was able to be brought back in the form of an animatron. I have to give thanks to these great men that I may now see the realization of this glorious new addition to the NYU Interstellar Network. It is my mission and purpose to keep NYU as the leader in higher academia and it is my vision that one day all planets and solar systems will be conquered and coloniz-
We apologize, due to time constraints it was necessary to cut parts of the ceremony. He just kind of rambles here about his first kiss and playing different notes on the piano or something, really not important. You know just blah blah blah speechy stuff, I’m sure all you NYU students have heard it before.
After this announcement, OCA had the fortunate opportunity to interview President Sexton. Following is a transcript from our on the ground interview.
OCA: Mr. Sexton, what kind of courses and majors will be offered at the institution?
Animatron John Sexton: Ahh, wonderful question. We are very excited by the courses that we’re going to offer. Our main attraction is the new class, Global Martian Studies. However, other humanities programs include such courses as Interactive Martian Arts, economics in a vacuum, as well as interstellar business and finance. Some classes that you may have heard of already; Starting Your Own Planetary Monopoly, Alien Resources: Getting the Most Out of Your Interplanetary Slave Labor, and of course we can’t forget Martian Makeup: How to Look Good in a Black Hole. There will also be a course taught by yours truly called Politics and Scientology with guest speakers Tom Cruise and L. Ron Hubbard. Our science course will include Foundations of Astrology, Plutonian Phrenology, Flat Earthology, and the importance of Harmonic Convergence, and our most applied for major, Subliminal Psychoanalytical Neuro-linguistic Hypnotherapy. You can rest assured that the students here at NYUM will be able to take classes just as rigorous and applicable as any in the Interstellar Network. Alright, next question.
OCA: Mr. Sexton is it true that slaves from Pluto were brought in to help complete the campus on time?
Animatron John Sexton: Ladies and gentlemen, I must ask that you refrain from making such slanderous remarks in the future. The answer is no. It is categorically false that NYU would ever employ such barbarian practices as slavery. We operate under cosmopolitan ideals! We are an old institution and remain true to the values laid down by the founders of this great university. That is why we are staunch and firm believers in the practices of indentured servitude.
OCA: Alright, then what can you tell us about the tuition increases?
Animatron John Sexton: Well, when I was a young man I always looked up to the teachings of Albert Einstein. One of his works that has always had a large effect on me was the equation E=MC^2. So, when my aide asked me about tuition here at NYU Mars I thought what better model than that one! M = Money, multiplied by the speed of light squared, and then E equals my retirement!
OCA: I’m sorry sir, did you just say your retirement?
Animatron John Sexton: Hmm, what? Oh no! Sorry there are still some bugs in my animatronic programming. What I meant to say was “equals ‘E’ for ergonomic synergistic solution to student welfare.” Like I always said, “If it’s not quite moral and borderline legal then do it a lot!”
OCA: Is that why NYU has entered into a partnership with the North Korean shuttle program to provide transportation for students and staff in exchange for bribes of radioactive materials?
Animatron John Sexton: Please! We have discussed the slanderous comments! As guests to the opening of our glorious new school I must ask that you please respect the name and image of NYU as well as its partners. The North Korean government has gladly volunteered use of its shuttle program to NYU free of charge. Never would we as an institution stoop so low as to resort to bribery! The nerve! Alright next question, how about you — the pretty blonde in the back.
Thank you Mr. Sexton. Critics have stated that this is the latest in a series of bad investments made by NYU into establishing new campuses in far flung locales — the failure of the NYU Antarctica campus comes to mind, and many scientists have said that the trace presence of highly saline water on the surface of Mars does not provide sufficient reason to attempt colonization, let alone initiation of an interstellar campus on the planet of Mars. What is your response to such claims?
Animatron John Sexton: What a mouthful young lady! Let me tell you a quick little story. I once was fortunate enough to attend a class taught by one of the great thinkers of the twentieth century. This man’s name was Charlie. Imagine Colonel Sanders from that restaurant chain Kentucky Fried Synthetic Fowl Protein Particulate and you’ll have a pretty good image of Charlie. A real intellectual savant. On the first day of school he came into the classroom and boomed out, “Boys, on the first date ask for her IQ. Beauty fades, but the need for good conversation lasts a lifetime.” Do you know what the moral of that story is Miss? It means don’t ask uppity questions or else no one will ever date you! Honestly! Don’t any of you know how to ask a decent question. All of you are a bunch of…
Apologies once again, we found it prudent to stop the transmission there. Not much else was said of any real importance. If you’re curious as to whether the school was a success we have some bad news. The United Nations impounded all the starships North Korea had provided to the school, citing the discovery of ‘Illegal equipment of nuclear grade weaponry in the starship lavatories.’ We hope you enjoyed this broadcast brought to you by On Century Avenue.
This article was written by John Rhoades. Send an email to email@example.com to get in touch.
Photo Credit: Tirza Alberta